“Oh My God!” The squeal came,
I rushed to the bathroom door
“What is it dear? Are you in pain?
“Is it me you’re shouting for?”
The door flew open, my wife stood there
Bathroom scales held in the air
“Have you been fiddling with these?”
She fixed me with THAT stare.
“No, no, my sweet, as if I would,
Is there a problem with them then?”
“They MUST be broken, they can’t be right,
“I’ve NEVER been more than ten”
Next day I’m dragged, reluctantly
To shops selling “Healthy Food”
“I need to slim, I’m overweight,
How can you bear to see me nude?”
For weeks and weeks I’ve had to endure
Steamed veggies and boiled fish
“You look just fine to me” I said
As I’m served another dish.
The bank balance dropped through the floor,
Do you know how much gym’s cost?
My wife is there most every night
I long for the love I’ve lost.
Admittedly, she looks pretty hot!
Heads are turning in the street.
New hair, new clothes and make-up too
You can almost feel the heat.
And so, almost inevitably
She turned her attention to me
“Look at the size of that beer-gut!
It’s huge. You must agree?”
Of course, I do, she isn’t wrong
It just sort of grew and grew
It may be down to the real ale
And the pub’s home-made beef stew.
A special rate they granted me
As the spouse of a joined member
We go together almost every night
I’ll be thin by next November.